ilana (spargrrl) wrote,

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i like books that make me cry

i just finished reading the time traveler's wife again. i couldn't put it down this afternoon, so i finished even though i don't think a big crying jag is what i needed. but i cried. so much. i do each time i read it, i can't help myself. all the little things make me cry, and the big things just make me sob until i have to put down the book because i can't see the pages anymore anyway. i'm so afraid of loss. i know it's a reasonable fear but that i shouldn't freak out about it as much as i do. i live my life in constant fear that someone i love is going to die and i don't know what i would do if that happened. being far from home makes it worse, because i'm always worried that something's going to happen and i'm not going to be there.

i need to be happy right now. i should think of true love instead when i read the book, although that makes me just as sad.

ahh, get out of my head. stop.

christian and i had a really interesting email dialogue over the past few days. it's hard trying to communicate with someone without being able to talk, but in some ways it's better because i can think about what to say and rewrite it, and read it over later a billion times if i want to, which of course i do. he sent me an email out of the blue wanting to know the status of our relationship, i thought because he thought he was my boyfriend and then i did something to make him think he wasn't. it turns out he thought i was just using him for sex (which is hard to do considering that he's not even in the same time zone as me) but i cleared that up. and i guess when he gets to sydney we'll be dating? he wants to take me out on dates. i like being romanced by guys. and it's nice that i don't have to worry about the sex, that that's already been taken care of and i can just have fun with it.

tomorrow i'm going to go to the botanical gardens. nothing is going to stop me. i haven't been making the most of my time here, and i really don't like it. but it's getting into fall here, and i hate the cold and it's hard to motivate myself some times to do things. but tomorrow i'm going to go because i really want to go and see this exhibit on carnivorous plants, and then maybe i'll stop off at paddy's market on the way home. i need to be buying gifts for people. i shouldn't be thinking about it like that, but i'm awful at shopping for other people, and i always buy the wrong thing or don't buy anything, so i want to give myself enough time to find the right things for everyone. and myself, of course. it seems like there's just nothing uniquely australian that i can buy for anyone, so whatever i buy is going to be lame. i'm hoping the shopping in thailand is excellent, i really want to find great things there.

oh, there's one thing that i want to record for posterity. it's a chugging song they sing here, that i learned on sunday before i blacked out and threw here goes. here's to (so and so), he's true blue! he's a pisspot through and through! he's a bastard, so they say, tried to go to heaven but he went the other way! he went down! down! down! etc. and then the person chugs.

time to plan some more aspects of my life. laters!
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